Submitted by dhumphries on
in
Forums
I was hoping their might be a podcast that I have not yet had an opportunity to listen to on this topic. I have several years of downloads and have not caught up on listening to everything.
So, here is my issue, work in IT dept for small company (100 employees) where I am "software" and co-worker is "hardware". Both of us report to VP of Finance who has little IT knowledge.
Often both my co-worker and I are invited to meetings together to discuss proposed projects where IT involvement is necessary. So, my co-worker's behavior is often embarassing. He can be outright rude, defensive, borish, etc. Many times he makes statements that I know are not true or he totally embellishes something that I just find outrageous. Of course others in the meeting, have no idea that he is bullshitting or outright lying.
I think it is inappropriate to challenge him in these types of meetings as the few times, I have tried to correct a statement he has made, he immediately gets very defensive and then the meeting gets distracted into a discussion between us that should not be happening in front of others.
But if I sit there and keep my mouth shut, I am totally embarassed at the image he is projecting about the IT department as a whole and/or the message that the others in the meeting are receiving
Have tried giving him feedback privately, but again he just gets totally defensive, to the point of "you are not the boss of me, so don't tell me how to act". Or he continues to insist that his recollection of events is correct even though I know for a fact that he is lying.
Tried talking to boss who just listens, says hum, then changes the topic of conversation. She is totally a boss who wants to avoid conflict.
Sorry for the long post, any ideas?? any podcast that could help me feel more comfortable in meetings where my co-worker is acting like a complete jerk.?
Three things
First, move away from characterizing your co-worker ("jerk" "rude" etc) and only describe what he does. And please look for areas where he is effective. I assume, as your peer, that he must be doing some things well. Do not discuss your dissatisfaction with him at work.
Second, you didn't describe exactly what you said to provide him with feedback (have you listened to the "peer feedback model" podcast?). It's likely that peer feedback won't work if you don't already have a good relationship with your colleague.
Finally, there is no magic bullet. Your best bet here is to build a good relationship, and to prepare for these meetings together. Do you have a shared IT plan? Do you identify how your initiatives mesh with his? If you were to go in together, with a shared plan (which you've documented and delivered to your boss prior to the meeting) then you could discuss areas where you overlap effectively. In areas that are his, you can let him lead the discussion. This will take time.
This isn't about who's right or wrong. It's about building an effective relationship with your peer.
John Hack
There Are No Secrets
If he's saying "you're not the boss of [him], and you shouldn't tell [him] how to act," then it's probably a safe bet there's some relationship-building that needs to happen. Peer feedback is dangerous. Think about the fact that we don't even give feedback to our DIRECTS until 6-8 weeks of one-on-ones. And even THEN, we only give positive feedback for a sizable chunk of time. Peer feedback in the absence of good relationships is like trying to breathe in the absence of air: It's not going to end well.
That said, don't despair about your peer's behavior. Horstman's Law #6: There Are No Secrets. If he's lying or embellishing things, it's going to be found out eventually. Someone will stumble across something one day, or he'll trip up; maybe they already know of inconsistencies between his statements and reality.
Above all, don't complain.
- BJ
Behavior and Relationship
As suggested above, please do share with us more about his actual behavior. Words he said, how he said them, his facial expressions, his body language, and his work product.
And try to build a relationship. Consider the conversation cast, in fact - often it surprises people how well it works AT work.
Finally, start having pre-meetings before these meetings. Talk about what's going to come up, and try to gain agreement. Try repeatedly, politely, respectfully for 8 weeks...and let us know what happens.
dealing with co-worker
thanks for all your tips. I have been working at "relationship" building but at times it really makes me gag because I feel so insincere.
Like the idea of pre-meetings to plan our approach. Might help to keep him on track.
also, am waiting and praying for the day he does trip himself up. I do feel there are some people at the org that can see right thru him. They tend to avoid him and come to me when they need something done.
It is just frustrating and something I guess I will have to learn to live with as long as I stay at this job.
A few more thoughts
Remember, you don't need to be his friend. He's a colleague. You need a good working relationship; you don't need to be buddies.
Also, his success is good for the firm. You should be rooting for his success, and helping his initiatives to succeed. The key is to keep your firm's success in the front of your mind. You will be seen as positive and striving for the success of all. That will do you in good stead.
Trust me, you aren't alone in frustration with co-workers. Mark describes conflict as "two people in the same county" and that is spot on. Your challenge: rise above the interpersonal. It's just business, after all.
John Hack
Why live with it?
C'mon...be a professional. Even if it does cause you to gag, you have an obligation to do this well.
Someone else failing to live up to their obligations does not remove our obligation to do so. Often it's just the opposite.