I have been placed in the dubious position of "team lead." My manager has a lot of reports and wants to have the group divided up amongst a few team leads in order to have a layer of the more senior folks screen out some of the management work.
Our duties include coaching, giving feedback, keeping up with project statuses, etc.
Our duties do NOT include hiring or firing (the boss does that), nor are we able to do the performance reviews of our team members.
Here's where the problem comes in to play. I am comfortable giving feedback to all but one of my "not quite a directs." This person is a long-time peer of mine going back 6 years, and we've worked together most of that time. Now this person is on my team, and I frequently find myself unable to get past the lump in my throat to deliver the feedback model when something negative is going on.
I'll give an example. The other day, he snapped at me about having not informed him of something that I only learned of the night before. I snapped back, "I only heard about it at 5pm last night myself, OK?" At the time, I was thinking I should say, "Hey, can I give you some quick feedback? When you snap at me like that, it..."
But I couldn't think of what the consequences were, because being that we are old work-friends, I think maybe there are none? Also reeling through my mind is the absolute certainty that if and when I use the feedback model with this person, I will immediately receive a mirror right back of, "How would you like some feedback?" in a tit-for-tat sibling rivalry sort of way.
So my question is this - how do I give effective feedback, or do I, when I have a long-standing relationship with someone who is usually my ally and confidante but who can also frequently irritate the crap out of me? This person can frequently be very cranky and sort of lash out at the world, but there are personal extenuating circumstances for it, so I'm not entirely judgmental about it since it seems as behavior to remain directed only at me.
Have I simply made a mistake by allowing myself to take on a no authority with responsibility role? Or have I made a mistake by attempting to manage a long-time peer that I am so close to that management speak feels stilted and fake?
I'm really out of my depth here and would appreciate some guidance. The feedback model works great for me otherwise - even with poor performers who require heavy coaching and frequent negative feedback. It feels incredibly uncomfortable with my close working friends who are temporarily "sort-of subordinates."
My DISC is 7-4-1-1 (Results-Oriented). His is unknown, but observations indicate perhaps: 4-2-2-7 (Creative).