High D Manager ineffective relationship with High S skip

Even if the boss is the source of some of the problems, it is up to the direct to modify their behavior and make the relationship work. Another way to look at this is to apply the same rationale to yourself. Look at your boss' boss. If you had a bad relationship with that person, would you expect them to change? I posit the answer is no. 

In order to be successful at higher levels, each of us need to learn to modify our behaviors a bit to become effective. Your direct is not a viable successor, regardless of skill, if your boss won't sign off on them. This is a valuable learning experience for any professional. 

-Dan

I agree with Dan,

Your direct has to continually adapt to working with others, even when they find it difficult to do so.  That's a big part of their readiness.  It is important to note that this is a ongoing, lifestime skill.  It isn't something that they do a few times, get it right for a while and can forget about and go back to their old ways of doing things.

This may not be what they want to hear.  The voice in my head is saying 'embrace reality' and 'we don't always get to do what we want.  We get to do what the organisation requires of us'.

I can see opportunities for you to highlight to your boss where your direct is making efforts to change their behavioour in positive ways.  You can also ask your boss what more does he think your direct could be doing to improve.

Good luck.

Kind regards

Kevin 

Have you listened to any of the Effective Relationships series? Specifically, the 'I am an S and my boss is a D' one.

I'd suggest to your direct that that one podcast could be a *hugely* important investment, entirely disproportionate to the cost ($25 for a single cast in the series), and it gets very very specific. If he buys it and listens to it he'll almost certainly be able to see more areas to change behavior in, in ways that aren't that hard. (Well, ok, some of them *are* hard. Nevertheless.) Then the show notes can serve as something of a cheat sheet for him to refer back to before going into a given situation.

I have the whole set and this sort of situation is one of the reasons why - so that I have a really good idea of how to coach people on interactions, or where I'm not in a position to coach but am asked for advice, to have at least some suggestions beyond the obvious.

'Growing thicker skin' is ... not how I'd phrase it. Because that, effectively, tells the direct 'you're thinking about this wrong and you just need to be tougher', which is not a great way to communicate it to them.

Another cast I recommend you listen to, or listen again if you haven't, is How to Handle Conflict With a High D, which is a Career Tools cast from... early summer 2012, I think. It goes into some behaviors that your direct might think mean the boss is angry, when the boss doesn't think so. In and of itself, that can *really* help with interpretation. (It's my personal favorite from the other direction - I kept getting told 'you're angry' when I wasn't, and all of a sudden here there was this cast telling me what I *do* that makes people think I'm angry.)

Teaching your direct to think in terms of behavior and *not* to interpret it might help.

As for a book, one I do think might help is Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson (and others). One of the key things in there for this particular case is: When you see/hear something, you tell yourself a story about it and that shapes your reactions and your thoughts. The thing you have to keep asking yourself is 'is this story actually correct?' And your assumption should always be 'no', if you're having a negative reaction.

Also, I got taught 'Assume Positive Intent' by a boss of mine. It dovetails right into the Crucial Conversations approach. Worth thinking about anyway.

I agree with the points that Dan, Kevin, and Leanne have made.  You cannot change your bosses behavior, but does your High D boss view the situation as a problem.  Knowing that High D's typically don't have a problem with conflict, it may not be an issue for him.  

You haven't elaborated on the details of the conflict, so it is hard to say.  Is the conflict a difference of opinion during discussions, or when directed to carryout a decision by the High D, is the High S not  completing the tasks required because they don't agree with the decision?  Each of these situations requires a different approach.

Is the DISC Behavior model used throughout your organization, and does your High D boss know he is a High D?  Not that you can change him, but you can let him know your High S report is working on improving their communication skills using the DISC system, and would appreciate his feedback on the DRs performance.  If he understands his style, he will also understand altering his style can be helpful for the organization.  Your DR should still do most of the altering, which is an essential skill to have, if he wishes to advance in any position.

As a high S, the most important take-away from the MT DISC discussions is how our styles and inferences can clash severely without even knowing about it.

For example, there is a person who I have always thought of as an arrogant jerk. Learning about DISC and especially listening to the Effective Relationships casts finally showed me that the issue isn't his arrogance or jerk-ness -- he's clearly a high D, presumably a very low S, and his style is completely unlike mine. (Yes, I have a D of 1.)

The lesson for me is to let it go -- breathe in, breathe out, move on. It doesn't mean I suddenly like this person, but "like" is not required to work together. I understand now that he is simply blind to things that I notice and care about. 

Your high S direct is the subordinate in this situation, so it's his responsibility to adapt more than your boss. Knowing more details, as BACox suggests, will also help shape our responses.

flexiblefine
Houston, Texas, USA
DISC: 1476