Submitted by MichaelBoyko on
in
Forums
Hello,
I have been doing One on One's for a long time but I keep finding that my staff are not sharing personal things which seriously effect their work.
For example, I had an O3 with a young woman last week who was clearly crying before the meeting and when I asked her if everything was ok she said, "Yup. Just going through some personal stuff." I did pry a little bit more for specifics but she clearly didn't want to discuss it with me, so I let it alone. This is the third time this year that I have encountered an unwillingness to share. It's ok if she doesn't want to share, but historically those who haven't shared have missed out on the support that our company can offer.
For example, earlier this year another woman was obviously painfully distraught and when I inquired about what was upsetting her she wouldn't share. Months later she told me that she had received some bad health news and that she needed time off for medical treatments and tests. We gave her time off and altered her work load to compensate for her condition and her morale and work product improved immensely. It was painful to watch her suffer without sharing. I'm high I and D, Low S, and I was emotionally crushed by the obvious emotional pain she was exuding.
I *want* to help. I love my team. We share jokes, everyone is always smiling, and I get zero sense that they are uncomfortable with me (except for the unwillingness to share.) During O3's I share personal items about my life including health issues (don't worry, nothing gross) so that they might feel compelled to do the same - but no luck. I might be suffering from a perception bias, but I truely believe that I am easy-going, completely approachable, generous, and dedicated to giving my staff whatever they need to be happy at work and home.
Assuming that the problem is me, and not that I just happen to work with a closed off group of people, what behaviours do you suggest that could improve the liklihood that my staff will share personal private information that is causing them grief?
Sorry for the big ask - but if any group on the internet can help, it's you guys.
- Michael.
Michael-
Michael-
I am sorry you are having this issue. I understand that you want to help and it must be hard to feel like they are not sharing. It sounds to me like this issue might be less systemic than you think. Perhaps you simply have two directs who like to share less. That is not a reflection on you, but their personal choice.
If you do really think there is any issue, there might be two possible causes. First, maybe you need more time doing One on Ones under your belt. You said a long time, but sometimes it takes up to 8 months for directs to feel fully comfortable. This could be for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with you, such as a bad boss previously.
Also, it might simply be their choice not to share. Some people are never going to open up to their boss or share very much. Additionally, what you feel like is sharing might be an over share for them. The levels are all relative. We hear all the time about directs who only speak about work. And that is ok. It’s their time and their agenda.
The first instance sounds like a person who prefers to share less. That is her choice. It’s up to you to decide if it’s affecting her work or if she is lacking communication in other areas. If that is the case, I would suggest feedback on that. If not, she might just not want to bring those items to her boss.
I am sure you are approachable and kind. And that might not change how much people tell you. It’s a personal decision what and what not to bring to work. In specific cases like the second, where the company might benefit from knowing sooner, you could let the direct know. For instance, “Thank you for sharing. Once I know these things I can help and provide support.” It might simply be that she needed time to process and didn’t know the extent of the issue at the beginning. It helps to remember that some people feel very uncomfortable sharing their health concerns.
Best,
Kate