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I have a couple opportunities to close after an interview for an analyst position and I'm hoping for some feedback on my method

1) Follow-up email to make sure they received a fax containing supplemental information:

[quote]Hiring Official,

Just wanted to check in and make sure you received the fax I sent you Monday night.

I really want an offer from XYZ for this position because of my ability to produce high quality products that always satisfy the customer. I'm very excited about this opportunity and hope to hear from you soon.

--Me
[/quote]

2) Thank you notes:

[quote]Hiring Official,

Thank you for the opportunity to interview for the Analyst position. I'm excited about the position because it allows me to take an active role in the safety and security of the public and of my community. My extensive background in law enforcement and national security along with my information technology skills will definitely make me an asset to XYZ.

I want an offer from XYZ because of my ability to produce excellent products under pressure and to develop and implement best practices for my work unit.

Thank you again for your time.

Best Regards,

Me[/quote]

I have no problem closing face to face...it's very exhilarating and feels quite good. But putting it down in writing seems...awkward. I've rewritten these things about twenty times now and feel a little bit better about it but I thought I'd run it past the collective expertise of the MT community.

Thanks,

--Andy

tomw's picture

I think part of the reason it feels awkward is the phrasing in your close.
[quote]"I want an offer because of my ability...."[/quote]

The close works best when you can say what you liked about the company and the position with a high level of enthusiasm. Saying you want it because you have an ability does not really connect any dots for the hiring manager and doesn't sound like you are very excited. Why does your ability make you want the job? Is it that you are excited to apply that ability ("strength" might be a better word) to some aspect of the job?

"I would really like an offer from your company. The role we discussed would put my greatest strength, producing high quality documents, to good use. I see several challenges in your company that will help me develop that strength even further."

I also think an email to follow up to see if they got a fax is redundant. Trust me, they got the fax. A lot of people out there dislike getting multiple forms of communication that all say the same thing or that just check on another. "I'm just calling to make sure you got my email about the letter I sent..." It can feel like nagging.

As I think about it more, closing in the thank you letter might be a little off too. It's a thank you letter and is not intended to ask for more favors. (Thanks for interviewing me, now can you make me an offer?)

thaGUma's picture

I'm with Tom. Put a period after I really want an offer with XYZ.

Chris

HMac's picture

Remember the phrasing of the close:

[i]I want an offer and here's why: when I consider an opportunity, my criteria is....[/i]

...and then you talk about THEM first, and then how YOU match up.

Whether you use this phrasing or not, the point is to talk about their opportunity and how you fit in - you make yourself secondary. It's a great way to avoid sounding like you're just boasting...

And yeah: don't send an email to check on whether they received a fax - or vice-versa - that might be perceived as anxious, fussy, anal-retentive, or high maintenance, especially if the hiring manager is a high "D".

-Hugh